Neither Here Nor There

Lately, I've felt neither here nor there.

Who am I kidding?

I've felt neither here nor there since the day I was born

Have always wanted to sip the wine

— blood like my first fuzzy baby hairs—

But never drink a full glass.

All I want to be able to say

Is that I lived and tried

Not left gently

Or afraid

Because she who knows love

not need fear death.

But the pews feel so suffocating

While everyone says they can breathe better

The walls feel too high

Too enclosed

I breathe better in open spaces.

I love Jesus-like

While I don't totally love

The God they speak for

Who says no drink of wine

Not even a drop

But what if I want to live

Neither here nor there

For me you have made no room.

No room for the ones I love most

Who think differently, or talk differently

Or who love just like you

Yet you call it an abomination.

I will never drink the full cup,

Only drops here or there

And I'm learning

To be okay with that

I'm learning

To still love my body

my brain

my heart

my soul

That eternally seem to be

neither here nor there.